#29 Oh well..

Sitting on my bed. Legs wrapped beneath this computer where I write, again. Arcade Fire is playing on spotify and my head is full of things I would like to say and that I hope they are said. Unplanned writing starts..

Dear aliens,

I have a bachelors degree.

I have no phone but I have a visa. It broke down on the queue for my visa appointment. I droped it and I am lonely, and clueless, and bored, and addicted, so it seems.

Aliens, I am leaving for the United States in 29 days and the feelings inside me are oppressing and confusing. I am wandering desesperately through happiness, excitement, sadness, early nostalgia and unwilingness. And this is why words have failed to be present in this blog. Also I have been busy but I have used that goddam excuse around here so much that I am embarrased to type that again.

I wish not to dwell in those feelings because it is not the time nor the attitude to have when you are graced with an amazing opportunity. But I am not okay aliens, I am not.

Friends. Jeez, I am speechless about my friends. I don’t even know how to write this. There are so many tornados in my head, I just can’t type coherently. I guess that I realized two things lately: who the real people in my life are and how bad of a friend I am. I sinned by omission and I am on the edge of loosing people that are very important to me. And I don’t know if I will do anything about it because I honestly don’t know how to act and both doing something and not doing it suffocates me.

Also I think I suffer from anxiety.

Also I am back to hating my body and hating myself. Have not done that in a long time. I am scared of what it means.

I am not okay aliens.

Mei Mimi: (soon to be) resident alien

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