#29 Oh well..

Sitting on my bed. Legs wrapped beneath this computer where I write, again. Arcade Fire is playing on spotify and my head is full of things I would like to say and that I hope they are said. Unplanned writing starts..

Dear aliens,

I have a bachelors degree.

I have no phone but I have a visa. It broke down on the queue for my visa appointment. I droped it and I am lonely, and clueless, and bored, and addicted, so it seems.

Aliens, I am leaving for the United States in 29 days and the feelings inside me are oppressing and confusing. I am wandering desesperately through happiness, excitement, sadness, early nostalgia and unwilingness. And this is why words have failed to be present in this blog. Also I have been busy but I have used that goddam excuse around here so much that I am embarrased to type that again.

I wish not to dwell in those feelings because it is not the time nor the attitude to have when you are graced with an amazing opportunity. But I am not okay aliens, I am not.

Friends. Jeez, I am speechless about my friends. I don’t even know how to write this. There are so many tornados in my head, I just can’t type coherently. I guess that I realized two things lately: who the real people in my life are and how bad of a friend I am. I sinned by omission and I am on the edge of loosing people that are very important to me. And I don’t know if I will do anything about it because I honestly don’t know how to act and both doing something and not doing it suffocates me.

Also I think I suffer from anxiety.

Also I am back to hating my body and hating myself. Have not done that in a long time. I am scared of what it means.

I am not okay aliens.

Mei Mimi: (soon to be) resident alien

Respect me, will you_ In the rain on a day when my smile fade away

I said NO.
Surprinsingly enough this is not about male/female gross behaviour but about people who do not respect my decissions nor the reasons behind it.
As a result, I forcefully comply, they are happy and I feel terrible and fundamentaly embarrased. The result is only consequence of they not taking my no when there was a solution.

Floure

In the rain – On a day were snow was forcasted but it hailed

I suppose it’s time for another episode of “in the rain”, more if so is taken into account how crappy was the last one.

I am laying on my bed, after a morning of reading and too much to eat. Christmas happened few days ago and it is official, they do not interest me anymore. It is nice to get presents but that’s where I put the full stop. However, these days there are too many posts on how ridiculous Christmas are and how no one enjoys it, how gathering with the family is so hard and depressing (that is not my problem at all), and so on and on and on, that really it became a true exercise of self-pity and pseudo-anarchism that I am not interested in the slightest. All I say is for none of the reasons above but for many others that require a painful introspection within the depth of my soul that I am not willing to do not now, not in the forseeable future, I don’t like Christmas all that much.
Apart from that, I study or write papers. It came to a point that I am starting to think if a masters is a good idea. If you have been following this blog, which I doubt taking into account the amount of comments and likes I get, you might have deduced that that is what it is in store for me and that I am planning to do it in the USA. Though I love learning, exams and deadlines literaly kill me. I am quite happy reading, thinking and researching, but time is needed for that or this beautiful thingy called time management which I absolute lack of and all I think is that I want to stop to be this kind of passive and get work active.
Yet, passive is my moto. Passivitation for me does not refer to sentence construction anymore but to my living performance, gosh I am passively lazy. So i guess that one way or another, this is still a post about self pity and pseudo-anarchism, ups!

Floure

Love and those things that only live in movies

This morning it struck me. I heard lots of times how unrealistic the love depicted in movies/shows or whatever animated platform is, how there is no such thing as the perfect man who understands you and knows everything you need, in the exact second you need it, the man who despite knowing that dirty little secret that is eating you inside out, still has your back and won’t ever leave you, the man who even though a long time ago was a playboy or a bad boy, that changed the moment he met you (apply these

we could all use a loyal friend

Credit: end post

to the female characterization). And I guess it is true, there is no such thing though I guess I am still looking for the closest thing to that. However, there is something else that is as unrealistic: loyal friendship.
As far as I remember I have been worried about other people’s looks and words directed towards me, it is so that I am now to asume that that is a fact about my personality. I look around, lets say to my friends, and I love them but it is nothing like those in the movies. I have no one to whom I am absolutely open. It is not like I don’t try or want to because I find myself blurting things I thought I would not say to no one yet I also do not tell the truth or say what is wrong when the questions are asked, so technically I am not 100% forward to none of my friends and certainly, when I am done I never ever pick up the phone and ring them, I simply do not do that.
By norm I don’t talk about people, my usual response to someone talking shit about others is a plain shrug, however there are glorious exceptions to this. Yet the thing is not what kind of behaviour I unconsciously tend to take but the fact that people talk about their friends to their backs. I’ve seen this among my lifelong group of friends, new friends, family members and their/our friends, and it keeps repeating and I don’t for a second thing that I lieva mong moraly corrupted people but that this is indeed something that everyone does.
And this little and very insecure voice inside me tells me over and over again: what happened to “I’ll love you NO MATTER WHAT”? What about the loyal, movie-like friendship?

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