Superhero duty: the means justify it all

Face to face, I look into his eyes and exchange no words. Here we are, at the end of the world, breathing heavily and exhausted from the fight of the century. The city is destructed and people are scared. I am not winning, nor is he. We just stare at each other and breath.
I have to kill this man and save the humanity.
The duty is clear, how to do it is something different.
I will kill him and end his regime of terror and suffering. I will kill him and end with it all. Children will laugh, moms and dads will hug. The cries this time will be of pure and utter happiness and relief. The world will live in peace.
Will it though? Will it be over? Can I kill a man? Will I save humanity? Do the means justify the goal.
My heavy breathing intensifies and it is hard to breath. I am panicking. I have to do it but, can I? Do I have to do it? I…I…. I run…..

Floure

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On articles – In the rain, now rains, now doesn’t

I sometimes don’t understand academia. Odd thought, I know, but this is what happens at the end of the semester; existentialism comes and hits hard on your life choices.

The thing is that I just took a break to watch some videos of Conan and write this post but still cannot completely get my mind off the essay, dissertation and exam that take almost every minute of my weekend (grab the booze and join me in my desperation)

Going back to the weird thought that pushed my hands to write, all started with the most ridiculous, speculative, weakly fact-based and questionable deductionism present in an article recently read. Now, I am a literature student (almost graduate) and reading too much into a sentence, discovering covered meanings and all that inventive stuff is kind of customary, but this one was too much. Also, my patience levels are in a low lately, so I am indeed expecting many people to not share my opinion. Whatever.

And then, as my thoughts lingered around the topic more than it would be healthy, it occurred to me that shall the author of the novel that was being dealt with ever to become a zombie, because lets admit it, zombie apocalypse is a thing and is happening, he (he is a male author, therefore no patriarcal intention in any form intended) would be as offended, if anything more personally but that’s almost impossible because I felt the article as an insult to my mother though there was no mention of my mother, by what it was said in the, by now, well known article.

Is it because of his death status, and the delay in the advent of the zombie apocalypse, from here on to be shortened to Z.A., that these scholars, or scholar prospects, feel legimitated to say literally anything? Or is it the vast amount of hours put in the study of the topic? One way or the other, the article was bad and unhelpful, which is the worst insult in the university arena (leaving aside Chinua Achebe calling Joseph Conrad racist, that was bad too).

This post is absolute crap and non-sense.

Be happy. X

In the rain – Too dark to see the drops

Hello there…

… I think I am back. Maybe.

It has been an awful amount of time since I last wrote anything here. Damn me. But I am back for a while and with new hopes and illusion, though no ideas on how to translate those into posts. So patience is required my friends, or click unfollow. Please do not. 

So, first I have few things to say.

1) I can now confirm what multiple times suggested in this blog: I will be a semi-permanent individual in the USA for a little under two years. I have been accepted in the Graduate School of a university that for safety reasons I probably should not mention but that I cannot promise that you will not get to know by other means or hints in oncoming posts. Also I will be something that is unknown for is inexistent in my country yet very interesting and also daunting, a Teaching Assistant.

1.5) If you want to know about that in future posts, hey just say it!

2) I am sometimes terrified, sometimes excited, sometimes overwhelmed, sometimes fed up with the prospects of becoming a semi-permanent individual in the USA.

3) Fuck you burocracy.

4) Life is still hectic and I still cannot cope with it.

5) I am about to graduate and I honestly can’t wait. I will miss the people though.

6) My eyes are open, I can see, but can I act?

7) Final remark: keep your voice and use it. Say whatever you need, as loud or quiet you may want it to be, say, talk, speak, do it.

One day you might find yourself in the middle of a fist of agonizing cries that will mute your voice. And by the time you are done crying, a deathly weakness upon your bones will trap your voice in the depths of your silence.

8) I almost wrote your instead of you’re. I want to cry…

9) I discovered hockey. I am an expert of hockey now.

10) Bye

Bye!

Respect me, will you_ In the rain on a day when my smile fade away

I said NO.
Surprinsingly enough this is not about male/female gross behaviour but about people who do not respect my decissions nor the reasons behind it.
As a result, I forcefully comply, they are happy and I feel terrible and fundamentaly embarrased. The result is only consequence of they not taking my no when there was a solution.

Floure

Better than silence – In the rain on a day when it poured down on me

Pluuff!!
Loud the chair hit the floor. And so did I. My legs were unnaturaly facing north, chest up and down as it struggled to breath in the sock, pain and embarrasment. This was one of those things were if it is going to happen, is going to be in a crowded place, like now, and as noticeably as possible, like now.
I stayed there waiting for a helping hand, a soul crashing reaction or for me to be effectively swallowed, along with my chair of course, by the artificial ground. But none of it happened. Just silence. Many stares and silence.

Yay, I’m back!!! I just finished an exam and it wasn’t good may sweet lord Wordsworth forgive me for incorrectly analysing his poem and so I needed to cheer up.
I woke up this morning to a weirdly quiet house and thought about how awful it is when you fall or do something embarrasing in front of everyone (like showing up naked 😍) and wondered if there is anything more painful than the laughs that follow. Silence. I think silence is worst than any word. When someone ignores you, when you cry and there are no worths of comfort, when something happens and you get no explanations, when you say i love you and you don’t get an i live you too, when you are trying to reach that person but you cannot anymore. Gosh, let me laugh noisily, soundly, dramatically, extravagantly, embarrasingly, obnoxiously. Let me laugh and kill silence.

Floure

In the rain – On a day were snow was forcasted but it hailed

I suppose it’s time for another episode of “in the rain”, more if so is taken into account how crappy was the last one.

I am laying on my bed, after a morning of reading and too much to eat. Christmas happened few days ago and it is official, they do not interest me anymore. It is nice to get presents but that’s where I put the full stop. However, these days there are too many posts on how ridiculous Christmas are and how no one enjoys it, how gathering with the family is so hard and depressing (that is not my problem at all), and so on and on and on, that really it became a true exercise of self-pity and pseudo-anarchism that I am not interested in the slightest. All I say is for none of the reasons above but for many others that require a painful introspection within the depth of my soul that I am not willing to do not now, not in the forseeable future, I don’t like Christmas all that much.
Apart from that, I study or write papers. It came to a point that I am starting to think if a masters is a good idea. If you have been following this blog, which I doubt taking into account the amount of comments and likes I get, you might have deduced that that is what it is in store for me and that I am planning to do it in the USA. Though I love learning, exams and deadlines literaly kill me. I am quite happy reading, thinking and researching, but time is needed for that or this beautiful thingy called time management which I absolute lack of and all I think is that I want to stop to be this kind of passive and get work active.
Yet, passive is my moto. Passivitation for me does not refer to sentence construction anymore but to my living performance, gosh I am passively lazy. So i guess that one way or another, this is still a post about self pity and pseudo-anarchism, ups!

Floure

Love and those things that only live in movies

This morning it struck me. I heard lots of times how unrealistic the love depicted in movies/shows or whatever animated platform is, how there is no such thing as the perfect man who understands you and knows everything you need, in the exact second you need it, the man who despite knowing that dirty little secret that is eating you inside out, still has your back and won’t ever leave you, the man who even though a long time ago was a playboy or a bad boy, that changed the moment he met you (apply these

we could all use a loyal friend

Credit: end post

to the female characterization). And I guess it is true, there is no such thing though I guess I am still looking for the closest thing to that. However, there is something else that is as unrealistic: loyal friendship.
As far as I remember I have been worried about other people’s looks and words directed towards me, it is so that I am now to asume that that is a fact about my personality. I look around, lets say to my friends, and I love them but it is nothing like those in the movies. I have no one to whom I am absolutely open. It is not like I don’t try or want to because I find myself blurting things I thought I would not say to no one yet I also do not tell the truth or say what is wrong when the questions are asked, so technically I am not 100% forward to none of my friends and certainly, when I am done I never ever pick up the phone and ring them, I simply do not do that.
By norm I don’t talk about people, my usual response to someone talking shit about others is a plain shrug, however there are glorious exceptions to this. Yet the thing is not what kind of behaviour I unconsciously tend to take but the fact that people talk about their friends to their backs. I’ve seen this among my lifelong group of friends, new friends, family members and their/our friends, and it keeps repeating and I don’t for a second thing that I lieva mong moraly corrupted people but that this is indeed something that everyone does.
And this little and very insecure voice inside me tells me over and over again: what happened to “I’ll love you NO MATTER WHAT”? What about the loyal, movie-like friendship?

Picture

In the rain in a non-rainning-should-be-rainning day

Hiya there!

I think I ought some words as to why I have neglected this blog in the last days-weeks, whatever, I do not know how long I’ve been away. But as I’m in a place where I certainly should not be writing but it is not like a have anything better to do, I think of a good excuse and my mind keeps thinking: “Well, actually, it aaaaall comes down to > Life.is.crazy.”. So there it is, my magnificient explanation/excuse: LIFE.IS.CRAZY.

Here, my dayly duties:

– Class

– Internship

– Applications

– Life

-Reading (as in class reading, which really is Frankestein and Sense and Sensibility, plus multiple articles on what they were high on at the moment of this amazing productions, but it is still a requirement of the course’s program, not me just deciding it’s the perfect time to read classics, just saying)

– Exams (like every week, proper exams, to study for and yeeah, you know how it works)

– Dissertation

Now, you probably dare tell me that I am too much of a weenie and that I complain too much and I am not saying that these are the toughest things to be doing, but they are time consuming! And exams, that is sucking my life out as a freaking dementor and, if any of my readers is from the states, gooosh, it’s really hard to apply for uni over there!! Too many requirements!

Well that’s it, thank you for understanding and thank you for listening me moaning on and on, and I say “and on” because this is the situation at least until may/june that I freaking graduate and I am temporarily free.

Keep reading and living lovelies,

On a october almost november day -in the rain

The day begins with an self-induced feeling of time control. I tell myself, over and over, that sleeping to the next dreadful good mooooorning of my alarm is ok, that nothing will happen, that I can do this, I can sleep till I can’t sleep no more. And indeed, I sleep until the time is my enemy and in victorious punishment forces me to run, run to cath the bus.
But I get there, because me being out of shape and having an ashma attack that almost makes me puke my lungs out will not stop me, not me! And I find women in an overcrowded stop. Many women, few men and some kids (that soon I find out that they happen to go to my uni but who cares, I say they are kids and so they are). And we queu in unorderly form, and I position myself on the first line of the grid but at the last minute a lady takes me by surprise and overtakes me from the left leaving me out of the podium #SadMe. Though it doesn’t matter because from yesterday to who-knows-when there is a bus strike and not me nor her nor the rest of 40,000 people in the bus will get a nice place to breathe, let alone to sit.
And the day goes by and in purely deppresive manner I start an introspection that leaves me to realize few things about myself:
1. I hate emails. They just bring bad news (e.g. more work to do) or unaffordable promotions
2. I’m mean to people and I regret nothing
3. I usually don’t make the promises I do to myself
4. I panick to cry without organization
So that’s it, my day.

Floure